“I can’t quit you. These inexplicable nights with stars shining in the sky have been reminding me of the glint in your eyes when you would laugh, seeing me laugh. Your eyes held the capacity to light up all of my world’s fused bulbs, in an instant, like a wildfire spreading across a dry and dreary forest.

First step on how to not fall in love: 

Your presence has been haunting me, lately I’ve been feeling like I have been possessed by your spirit that loved me. The spirit that’s no longer in your body- for you have changed so inexplicably, that I have been weeping for the demise of your old self. My condolences don’t seem to reach you, so I’m fine with staying in solitude, crying for my prized loss, while being possessed by your spirit.”

-An excerpt from my diary; entry dated 2nd March, 2017.

First step on how to not fall in love:

Do Not read/write paragraphs or long weepy lines submerged in pity for yourself and dripping with god-like praise for your supposed lovercrush/bestfriend. (The possibilities are endless, but I think I should stop, because you know who the supposed person is, obviously.)

Let’s describe my state while I made the above entry for a clearer direction if where this write up is heading.

This entry was made on the 2nd of the third month. It was his birthday that day, and all I could do was speak my real feelings through this diary.

The thing between us was that both of us had been in love with each other. Truly, madly, deeply in love. But, I realised that in that relationship, we were a crying mess all the time that we fought. So I decided to tell him that I didn’t love him.

I knew this would hurt him, hell, it hurt me quite a lot too, but it was for his own good, his own happiness. I was okay to survive the hate, but I wanted him to feel boundless and ofcourse- happy.

Now, when I look back at entry, as a stranger, it comes off to me as a pity-call towards my then love. It obviously puts you in a ‘damsel in distress’ image, which you definitely don’t require in your already complicated relationship.

Second step on how to not fall in love:

Do not mention your crush to your friends.

I know it seems a bit ridiculous, because the best part about having a crush is confessing about it to your friends. But trust me, don’t. Friends are like a catalyst towards the process of turning your crush into a friend and then your lover. I know, its all in the good spirit, but the main picture over here is to not fall in love. So do as I say, trust me.

When I had discovered my so-called, “crush” in the ninth grade, the first person I told it to was my best friend. Let’s give her a name- Tessa, let’s assume. So first of all, she was against me dating this guy, because she didn’t like him, for some reason (?). She would try to take me away from him in school, but I would catch both of them talking to each other, without me. Okay…this was getting awkward.

Turns out, Tessa was actually a bi-yot-ch. But, she helped me discover my first ever crush, by making me rebel against her. (Like all the time.) Whenever she wouldn’t be around, I would talk to the guy and constantly chat with him at home. Turned out, he had a crush on me too.

So, the lesson that we have learned today, is that no matter how your best friends react to your crush, be it a ‘I’m going to make you two marry’ reaction or a ‘ew no you deserve better’ reaction. Its never going to end well.

Third (and the last) step on how to not fall in love:

Do not keep chatting to them constantly. This will result you getting closer and closer and even closer to them. This will also result in he/she getting closer to your priority list virtually and in reality. And that’s surely what you don’t want.

When you chat with your crush, there’s this thing which goes on in your brain. Its called, The Obsessive Disorder. (Yes, I made it up because I have been a patient of this vigorous disease.)

In TOD, you keep the chat box on their profile even when you’re not talking to your crush, even when their not online, just to check when they come online, and read your message.

TOD turns you into a mother. A delusional mother who thinks her offspring’s life is her. But, even though the ‘mother’ role, beats the purpose of having a crush, its side effects don’t.

One of the major side effects of TOD is that whenever your crush is online, is not talking to you, even though you are online, (because according to you, he/ she doesn’t have a life in which there’s anyone except you) you start seeing if his bestfriends / friends/ enemies/ teachers/ teacher’s daughters’ etc. are online. (You obviously have their numbers because you’re OBSESSED.)

Why do you ask? Because one of the following people are online, and your crush is too, that means they are conversing with each other. If they are conversing, its mandatory for you to get jealous. Then the crying starts, oh my god, lets not talk about the crying.

Some more side effects of falling in love include:

1. Going to their residential area, thinking you’ll meet him/her. (Stalker much?)

2. Plucking off rose petals from roses just to see if they love you or not. (18th century, much?)

3. Ghosting your thumb on their phone number, contemplating between calling them or not. (Mission abort, cut your thumb off, NOW.)

Last but not the least:

5. Bringing them up in every conversation, EVER! (Trust me, the people around you think of ways to kill you all the time.)

And that’s it! If you follow these steps, you’re going to be a one-hundred-and-ten percent love-free.

Cause we all know #pyaarekdhokahai xD